Submission Journey | Part One

As I write this, I have thirty-five days until my first proper submission to a publisher is officially unsuccessful.

Now, if you know me, you’re probably thinking ‘Oh she’s been insufferable, checking her emails constantly, counting down the days, etc.’ but you would be wrong! I have been checking my emails, of course, but only once a day as I would do any other time, and the only reason I know it’s thirty-five days away is because I just googled it. I’m actually really proud of myself, not just for how I’m handling the waiting period but for the fact that I even submitted in the first place.

Not many people know – in fact, I can count on my fingers the amount of people I’ve told. This is largely due to my general anxiety surrounding submissions. The age-old questions of ‘Is it good enough?’, ‘Will they like it?’, ‘Is this my big break?’ rattle around my head with every click of the submit button, whether it’s for a small magazine or international publication, an indie press or a prestigious publisher. It’s something that everyone can relate to, that fear of rejection.

The main reason I haven’t told that many people though (until now, of course), is I just can’t deal with all the questions that come with people knowing. It’s as if it sets off my Pathological Demand Avoidance; I become so annoyed at having to come up with answers and on top of that it makes me wish I never submitted in the first place. I get torn between wanting to be accepted because that’s what I’ve always wanted or wanting to be rejected just to stop the questions. And it’s bizarre to me because, when I initiate it, I LOVE talking about my work. There’s just something about other people bringing it up…

I discussed it in therapy once, and my therapist and I concluded that it’s a whole ‘being perceived’ thing. Sounds about right. Also sounds like something I want to get better at, so, here I am, attempting to be okay with being perceived.

At the end of January, I submitted some poems to a big-shot publisher, seeking publication. Scary stuff! Exciting stuff! AHHHHHH!

~ C